I Come Bearing Gifts...
Well, it's two days after Darwin Day and Valentines Day to boot, so in honor of that I have arrived with a first-time post offering a gift to all. A box of candies of my own recipe. I call them... Govern-mints! Candies.
They come in many flavors, each designed to compliment a particular ideology, or national government, or world leader, or political movement. In no particular order, here are the many flavors of Govern-mints:
Anarchist: everyone will have to make their own candy of this flavor, and hopefully they’ll cooperate when necessary.
Capitalist: you may buy as many as you are able; sell some to others for more than you paid for yours; buy more, and repeat the process. If you can only afford to buy one piece, well, too bad. (If you’re lucky, you can be kept alive selling pieces for the guy who bought the box. If you weren’t so lazy you’d have a box of your own. Hint – borrow a box or two from someone, pocket the profits and let your kids pay off the loan!)
Chinese: only one piece per family is allowed.
Communist: you will share in the production of this flavor, each according to their ability, and you will each be given a piece according to your need.
Conservative: you may have one, but do not try to change the recipe. And don’t take off the wrapper – that’s obscene.
Democratic: everybody gets one candy each from the box. Fair is fair.
Fascist: these practically discontinued until a new market was discovered. They've been repackaged and reintroduced as the Neocon flavor. Market research done by the original manufacturers claims these are popular with around 51% of Americans. they're not doing too well in overseas markets, however.
French: this flavor was tremendously helpful in establishing the candy company, but they offered little help during a hostile takeover of a rival company, so they have been all but discontinued. They still do very well among intellectuals. We keep marketing them because the company’s founder likes them so much.
Isolationist: keep the box, and don’t share with anyone.
Liberal: take some, but please share them with the less fortunate. We welcome suggestions about how to improve the recipe. Try the fruit-n-soy flavor in hemp wrappers!
Libertarian: this flavor is what you make it. It’s up to you. Our only responsibility is to provide a secure box.
Moderate: Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Well… yeah. Pretty good.
Monarchy: the box is divided in to upper- and lower-classes. Which do you like best?
Neocon: Give us the candy or we will kill you. It is God’s will. In fact, God told us you were threatening to take our candy, or thinking about possibly taking our candy, or developing the necessary tools to take our candy, so we are going to kill you anyway. You’re welcome.
Pacifism: please, don’t break them in half to see what’s inside, or bit off part of them, or shake the box like that…
Republican: let’s see, there are 20 people in the room and 20 pieces of candy in the box… that means the 2 richest people in the room get 16 of the pieces, 10 more people in the room get to fight over the remaining 4 pieces, and 8 people get to work for the first 2, cleaning up their wrappers.
Socialist: you are required to share at least half of them with others who are less fortunate.
Theocracy: the faith-based flavor. Righteous! But remember – don’t put two of the same kind together.
Totalitarian: you must eat the flavor we tell you to eat, when we tell you to eat it… or else. As a cost-saving measure, these are the same as the neocon flavor, but without the patented biblical coating.
Tribal: it takes a village to make one of these.
There are lots more, of course... we are currently researching older flavors to be reintroduced, as well as constantly developing new ones. Enjoy! And please, let us know which ones you like best! (serving suggestion – mix-n-match!)
Bon Apetit! SheaNC
They come in many flavors, each designed to compliment a particular ideology, or national government, or world leader, or political movement. In no particular order, here are the many flavors of Govern-mints:
Anarchist: everyone will have to make their own candy of this flavor, and hopefully they’ll cooperate when necessary.
Capitalist: you may buy as many as you are able; sell some to others for more than you paid for yours; buy more, and repeat the process. If you can only afford to buy one piece, well, too bad. (If you’re lucky, you can be kept alive selling pieces for the guy who bought the box. If you weren’t so lazy you’d have a box of your own. Hint – borrow a box or two from someone, pocket the profits and let your kids pay off the loan!)
Chinese: only one piece per family is allowed.
Communist: you will share in the production of this flavor, each according to their ability, and you will each be given a piece according to your need.
Conservative: you may have one, but do not try to change the recipe. And don’t take off the wrapper – that’s obscene.
Democratic: everybody gets one candy each from the box. Fair is fair.
Fascist: these practically discontinued until a new market was discovered. They've been repackaged and reintroduced as the Neocon flavor. Market research done by the original manufacturers claims these are popular with around 51% of Americans. they're not doing too well in overseas markets, however.
French: this flavor was tremendously helpful in establishing the candy company, but they offered little help during a hostile takeover of a rival company, so they have been all but discontinued. They still do very well among intellectuals. We keep marketing them because the company’s founder likes them so much.
Isolationist: keep the box, and don’t share with anyone.
Liberal: take some, but please share them with the less fortunate. We welcome suggestions about how to improve the recipe. Try the fruit-n-soy flavor in hemp wrappers!
Libertarian: this flavor is what you make it. It’s up to you. Our only responsibility is to provide a secure box.
Moderate: Not bad. Not great, but not bad. Well… yeah. Pretty good.
Monarchy: the box is divided in to upper- and lower-classes. Which do you like best?
Neocon: Give us the candy or we will kill you. It is God’s will. In fact, God told us you were threatening to take our candy, or thinking about possibly taking our candy, or developing the necessary tools to take our candy, so we are going to kill you anyway. You’re welcome.
Pacifism: please, don’t break them in half to see what’s inside, or bit off part of them, or shake the box like that…
Republican: let’s see, there are 20 people in the room and 20 pieces of candy in the box… that means the 2 richest people in the room get 16 of the pieces, 10 more people in the room get to fight over the remaining 4 pieces, and 8 people get to work for the first 2, cleaning up their wrappers.
Socialist: you are required to share at least half of them with others who are less fortunate.
Theocracy: the faith-based flavor. Righteous! But remember – don’t put two of the same kind together.
Totalitarian: you must eat the flavor we tell you to eat, when we tell you to eat it… or else. As a cost-saving measure, these are the same as the neocon flavor, but without the patented biblical coating.
Tribal: it takes a village to make one of these.
There are lots more, of course... we are currently researching older flavors to be reintroduced, as well as constantly developing new ones. Enjoy! And please, let us know which ones you like best! (serving suggestion – mix-n-match!)
Bon Apetit! SheaNC
posted by SheaNC at 1:29 AM
2 Comments:
Fantastic.
Thanks. I thought of another flavor to add: Cheney-bites. They're extremely sour, and a lot more powerful than they appear at first.
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